


Forever

by Kai_nimura



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Feels, Fluff, Growing Up, Implied Sexual Content, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Backstory, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Related, M/M, Original Character Death(s), Poor Hux, life is not fair, puberty is awkward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 16:23:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5877538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kai_nimura/pseuds/Kai_nimura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Character study of Ben Solo / Kylo Ren.</p>
<p>How he learned to love and fall in love again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Robin Harper](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Robin+Harper).



Daddy wasn't there and Mommy didn't care.

"Mommy?" A small child holding a broken toy spaceship. 

"One moment honey, Mommy's a bit busy."

He pouted and squinted his deep brown eyes and wandered off away from his mother who was rather busy speaking with someone on a screen. "Daddy?"

"Hey kiddo, you know your not supposed to be over here!" A Tall man with dark hair and charisma scooped up the little boy, "Where's your mom?" He carried the young boy away from the hanger and the ship. "LEIA?"

"I'M A BIT BUSY RIGHT NOW HAN!" 

"Well Ben just wandered into the hanger!" He sounded frustrated, "He could have been hurt!"

A minor argument, but another one never the less. As his father set him down, Ben Solo looked at the broken toy space ship in his arms, he was frustrated and upset. His ship was broken, he just wanted someone to make it all better. 

So he screamed, he screamed because it was the only thing he knew to do. He screamed and the screen flickered off and on again. He could feel the heaviness in the room as his parents stopped and looked at the red faced toddler.

He just stared, confused. Sure he was in trouble so he ran from the room as fast as his legs could carry him. Until he ran smack into tall furry legs.

Then he cried and cried, holding up his broken spaceship to the wookie. He cried so hard he couldn't breathe and hiccupped and whimpered.

But the wookie understood, Chewbacca leaned down and with his massive hands picked Ben up, spaceship and all, he carried them into the hanger, sat the tyke down on a bench and carefully fixed the spaceship.

Getting a hug from the overjoyed child in return.

~

He stood there confused and frustrated tears running down his face, "I'M SORRY!" He sobbed hard and heavy, "I DON'T WANNA GO DONT SEND ME AWAY I'LL BE GOOD PLEASE!"

His parents, decided it would have been good for him to go study with Luke, to handle his force powers, his sensitivity to it.

Of course this was after several broken items, and severe headaches given to his parents by a growing child with no control over his very strong abilities.

And perhaps, though they did not see it, a cry for attention and help from one child to his busy parents, who did forget sometimes to stop and help him.

They had put other things ahead of their son, Han's wanderlust still ran strong, however one can't bring a CHILD along on those trips. And Leia now a General while still holding so many duties benefiting her Princess title.

Being a -sort of Prince- did not sit well with other children. Ben fought and got into fights, screaming about the kids who picked on him.

For his nose, to his freckles, to his name, and his family.

Leia did truly at the time, believe she was doing her best. Years later she would realize her grave mistakes, that her son truly needed his mother and father. The the galaxy should have waited, because Ben needed her the most.

But she was a young mother with her first and only child. Doing her best to be wife of a space cowboy, sister of a jedi hero, daughter of a famous Sith, mother to a son who felt so lonely all the time, and every other title and role that had been placed upon her.

Ben had anger in him, he threw fits and would scream, he would kick and fight. He could fell so much at once it overwhelmed him. It was so much for him to handle, too much for him to handle. Perhaps if he hadn't felt so lonely he would have done better.

Perhaps if.

If.

So many ifs and so many could have, should have, and would haves.

In hindsight.

But it didn't matter, what mattered was a child crying because he thought his parents where -getting rid of him-, that he was a -BOTHER-, that he was - BAD-.

"I'M SORRY! DON'T GET RID OF ME!"

It broke his mother's heart and pained his father, but try as they might it was too little late, Ben felt abandoned.

~

Then she was born.

Ben would barely remember looking into a small face of a tiny baby, his tiny cousin. "She looks funny. She smells funny. Babies are weird."

"You where a baby once." Luke laughed as he messed up his nephew's hair. The nine year old grumbled and tried to fix his hair looking up at his uncle with a sour look on his face.

"Don't do that!" He made a face at him. "I'm bored!" Then the baby cried, and Ben looked very concerned. "NO! Why is she crying! No don't cry! I'm your cousin Ben I'll keep you safe so you can't cry anymore!"

And the wee infant blinked her little eyes at him and smiled, she laughed as only a baby would laugh and smiled brightly at him.

And Ben smiled back.

~

"STOP FOLLOWING ME!"

"NO!" 

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"NO!"

Ben stomped away from the very tiny little girl who was following him around, "DON'T YOU FOLLOW ME NOW OR THE .. THE.." He thought for a moment, several moments. "SOMETHING BIG AND SCAREY WILL GET You!"

Then she cried and cried, She stood there crying, heartbroken.

He sighed and rolled his eyes walking back over to the small girl, "Stop that, I'm sorry." He patted her on the head and leaned over, "Go on get on."

She sniffled and wiped her eyes and nose with her sleeve, blinking and carefully getting up on his back, holding on tight. A Piggy back ride. "You're really cool Ben."

Ben couldn't help bust blush at that, he didn't have many friends, and training wasn't easy for him, his mind wandered and he often woke up at night, crying alone. But he had her.

His tiny cousin who idolized him, in her eyes he could do no wrong. To her he was the best jedi ever, even better then her own father. Because Cousin Ben would play games with her, and make her toys dance and make funny voices for them, just so she could smile and laugh.

But he still felt like a hole was there, in his heart. Like something was missing.

Then he saw -him-.

~

Strawberry blonde hair, and blue-green eyes. The young son of the man who ran the supply ship that would deliver supplies to the Jedi temple twice a month. They would sometimes stay a few days.

But until that moment, Ben never noticed him much. 

His cousin upon his back was giggling, "He's pretty."

"SHUSH." Ben could feel his heart beating faster and a heat in his body, his face flustered and hot. Then pain.

As his cousin wiggled free and accidentally kicked him in the ribs trying to dismount off his back. "You wanna smooch him? kissy kissy Ben!"

His eyes grew wide, "NO! STOP THAT! HEY! NO!" He chased after her as she ran towards the other youth, He tripped and stumbled along the way knocking into the other boy and ending up awkwardly in his arms. He STARED at him.

"Um, Hi? Are you alright? Are You from the Jedi.. uh. temple? School? Thing?" He wasn't sure what to call it. He smiled and helped Ben up.

As a little girl skipped around them humming, "BEN THINKS YOUR PRETTY!"

"STOP THAT!" Ben finally shouted, feeling very embarrassed about all of this. He looked down at his own feet, "I'm..sorry for.. running into you." 

The small girl ran back laughing the whole way, the other young lad however was smiling, "It's ok." He paused, "Do you.. really think I'm pretty..?"

Ben looked up at him and blinked, His mouth opened but nothing came out, he flapped his jaw and his brain just stopped working, even the Force failed him. "I NEED TO BE HEADING BACK NOW!" He took a step back and turned to run away.

But his hand was caught, he looked back to see his hand in the other's. He paused and watched as the other boy held his hand and took a step forward, placing a sweet, gentle kiss upon his nose. "I think you're cute too." With that he let go of Ben.

And Ben ran back as fast as he could, confused by this rush of emotions, and the weird uncomfortable feeling in his pants that would NOT go away.

Luke had an interesting time explaining -that- to Ben. He was perhaps NOT the best person to give a romance, sex talk to a growing boy. But perhaps a better choice then Han.

Who upon their next visit where made aware of their son's crush on the boy. His parents where accepting of their son's possible sexual preference.

Ben could always adopt kids later, to get them grand kids.

However, Leia had to correct so many things that Luke, Han, and Chewbacca got wrong in their attempts to explain -puberty-, romantic feelings, and the sex talk.

~

They became friends, The two grew close and closer yet, the tiny girl still trying to follow her cousin everywhere, until her father or mother would pull her away, allowing Ben some time alone.

"You are being awfully quiet." Ben's blue-green eyed companion smiled as he thumbed through a few of the books Ben had laid out on the floor.

Ben was lost in thought for a moment, "Sorry." He whispered, "A lot on my mind."

"You can talk to me about it, You know that right?" So much concern, and something else. affection?

Ben could feel it, he could sense the affection and attraction? He looked up at him, studying his face for a moment, his nose, and eyes, the ways his pupils dilated, the way his nose wiggled when a stray strand of hair brushed against it, his cheeks, his chin, and his lips. He watched his tongue lick those lips and he felt a heat in his belly that rose up to his heart. Ben bit his bottom lip as he moved closer, reaching out and touching his most dear friend's cheek.

He leaned closer to Ben as Ben pulled him into his arms.

A first kiss, a rather awkward first kiss, too much teeth and confusion, the second however?

The second one was perfect.

As was the third, and the fourth, and the fifth. Until they ran out of breath, and found themselves laying on the floor tangled up in each other's arms.

Then Ben got to hear the most beautiful thing in the entire galaxy.

"I love you Ben."

His heart felt so full, and he felt so happy, he blushed and smiled, quickly returning the endearment to the other in his arms.

Still so young to swear a forever to each other.

But how could they know, their forever would be so short.

For that moment, they didn't care about anything, but just being in that moment. Ben would go to bed with the biggest smile on his face, his heart full and his future as bright as the light had ever seen. He was in love, and he was loved.

How could he have known, everything would break like glass upon a stone floor. 

~

-Ben-

He sat up in his bed, tears running down his cheeks, he could feel it, the terror, the chaos, it was all there in his head. His heart was breaking. "No no..."

He ran, and he wasn't alone. He saw his uncle ahead of him and others. running toward what? His eyes went to the sky and he realized what was happening. "NO!"

Hijackers, they attempted to jump the supply ship as it was coming in, the hijacker ship unlatched off the supply ship and flew away.

But he - knew-. He could feel it, he hoped he was wrong, he need this to be wrong. He stood there helpless, he could feel Luke's hand on his shoulder.

As the ship came down and crashed.

He had never ran so fast in his life, Pulling free from his uncle's hand, hearing his voice behind him, knowing Luke and the others where following. Maybe. Maybe he was wrong maybe it was all wrong.

The force was STRONG with him, and he was full of fear for what he may find inside. He ripped the door of the hatch and went inside the damaged ship.

He coughed at the smoke inside, jerked away from wires that sparked, stepping over bodies, his hands where shaking.

His heart hit his stomach like a lead sink.

Blood staining strawberry blonde hair, eyes that no longer held focus, lips that would never kiss or speak again, a heart the would never beat. Ben Solo was shaking, he was crying, he was breaking apart. 

He wanted revenge, he wanted HIM back. This wasn't right. They where supposed to have -FOREVER-. IT was TAKEN from HIM. He was alone, again. He had been HAPPY. His fingers ran over his once friend and lover's lips as he pulled him into his arms and clung to him, sitting on the floor of the ship rocking back and forth, lips pressed to the forehead of the one he lost, he mourned.

Luke stared, his heart broke for him.

It took five of them to pull Ben away from the body of the young man he had once loved.

Luke feared so much at that moment, he saw the darkness in his eyes grow. He saw hate, anger, sorrow, and pain fill him.

~

He was gone.

Too much had happened, too much had filled his heart. He was gone.

He was gone and Luke feared what would come.

~

There was blood, screams and blood.

A Young girl stood in a room crying and screaming, confused.

His fingers reached up, hitting a latch. He pulled the helmet off and tucked it under his arm. He regretted very little of what he was doing.

But He refused to allow HER to come to harm. The one who patted his head as he cried at night, who would bring him snacks as he mourned, the one that forced him to eat and live.

He saw her, her eyes lit up upon seeing him, "BEN!" She ran to him and he scooped her up in his arms and darted into a room.

His eyed searched, oh he did NOT go there alone, but SHE, was innocent. He refused to allow her to come to harm, even if it cost him everything he had left.

He didn't feel like he had MUCH left anymore. An idea perhaps, of a grandfather that would have UNDERSTOOD him, understood his pain and heartbreak, that would have been able to guide him and be there for him.

-There- He kicked open a small cabinet and helped her get inside, he quickly pushed a pillow into her arms, "You need to be very quiet ok? I'll come back for you when it's SAFE. But be very quiet ok. Shhhh." He put his fingers to her lips and kissed her forehead, calming her down with his voice and kind actions and his smile. He wiped his tears away just before carefully shutting the door.

He moved quickly away from the room putting his helmet on again and drawing his lightsaber. It crackled and glowed bright red, a chaotic dangerous design.

He growled when he discovered Luke had fled, a coward!

His heart however, sunk again, upon discovering the cabinet door open and the girl gone. He knew better then to ask his comrades.

He knew far better then to say a thing. She must have gotten scared and ran, she had to be dead. At least, she'll be at peace.

It was all he would allow himself to think.

~

His revenge was beautiful.

He and the Knights of Ren, Ben Solo was gone as far as he was concerned. A heartbroken, sad, lonely mess of a man.

But Kylo Ren?

Kylo Ren would succeed where Ben had always failed.

They offered him so much more. As had Supreme Leader Snoke.

He gazed down upon the bodies of the bodies of the men who had taken -him- from him. A simple button press and his lightsaber disengaged.

He thought that would help him feel better, getting revenge. Oh he had taken his TIME with them, made them scream and howl in agony, before he allowed death to take them.

~

Kylo Ren never thought he could fall in love again. He could still feel the pull of the light and it haunted him, tugged at his mind and confused him.

But Love, love was sometimes both light and dark, and neither at the same time.

He set foot upon the Finalizer for the first time, his eyes hidden behind his mask. He saw him.

That red hair, and those -eyes-. The eyes that made him think back to a kiss that stole his heart and made him declare forever.

Attached to the most stubborn, stuck up, stick in the mud, pain the ass, formal, irrating, man he'd ever met.

Who had a very nice butt.

It took a month of back and forth yelling at each other. But they found a nice little rhythm of hate and annoy, outwardly anyway.

In private was different.

It had happened so easily.

~

Kylo Ren found himself awake and shaking. His nightmares where driving him mad and making him sick and weak. He couldn't sleep. He loathed this time of the year.

He couldn't forget, Everything he'd lost. He still mourned a lover, and a small girl whom saw him as an idol. A family who in his eyes rejected him. He found himself walking the halls, barefoot dazed and exhausted. 

No care if anyone saw him in such a state, his feet led him to a door and he pressed his hand upon it. Clad in little but the sleep bottoms he wore. They high low on his hips and where quite soft and comfortable.

And black of course.

The door opened and he stepped inside, greeted by a single desk light on and a still awake and reading General Hux.

"Why are you here Kylo Ren?" He didn't look up, as he heard the door open and close, the footsteps where oddly light, no boots? The red haired general looked up and his eyes went wide at the sight before him.

Kylo Ren, tears running down his face, shaking and trying to hold in what HAD to be sobs of pain. Shirtless, barefoot? Hair lightly tousled from sleep?

"Are you sick? If you are sick You need to go to the med bay NOT my private quarters!" He stood up and approached the man, only a few years his junior, he regarded the younger man carefully. Hux himself, was in far more casual attire, his sleeping attire mostly, a simple t-shirt and fine sleep pants, and the TaunTaun slippers where an interesting surprise.

"I. I can't sleep..I." Kylo Ren grabbed him being younger, taller and stronger then Hux. He slammed him hard against the wall and kissed him, starving for touch.

Hux groaned, this was unexpected. He pushed Ren back and blinked, a tad shocked by this. He didn't speak, he just breathed. Considering things, he pulled Ren back to him and kissed him back, pulling him towards the bed and wrapping his arms around the man who had invaded his quarters.

~

"So," Hux lay on his bed, quite amused by the sexual nature of things that had transpired. "Do I need to kill whomever caused you to come crying into my rooms?" He took a long drag off the cigarette in his fingers.

Kylo Ren however lay beside him, eyes closed. "That would be difficult. He's already dead."

Hux's face contorted as he came to a realization, "Oh." He sat up and looked at him smothering out his cigarette and leaning over on top of Kylo Ren to place a soft kiss upon his forehead. "I'm sorry."

"It's been a long time." He sighed and opened his eyes, "You have nothing to be sorry for." Kylo Ren reached up and took Hux's hand in his and kissed his palm.

It was such a simple action. Hux watched him for a moment as he shifted to pull Kylo Ren closer so he could properly kiss him. "Never the less, the loss must have been." He paused, "Something great to cause You to seek me out."

A chuckle, and a smile. "Someday I'll tell you, just not now." Kylo Ren closed his eyes relaxing into the arms of his General until sleep could claim him.

~

Kylo Ren lay on the snow, a spot of black and red against a canvas of white. He felt like he was dying. Maybe he was.

Then maybe everything would be so much easier, his troubles would be over. His memories silent. His pain gone.

He'd see a lover who was worth forever again, a cousin who truly wanted him happy, a father who failed him...

He could hear rushed footsteps on snow, the crunching sounds, the sounds of the planet dying under him.

"KYLO!"

Hux. It hurt to breathe to move, to do much of anything.

"Kylo..? KYLO!" The voice was filled with fear, he recognized the feelings. Oh he knew them well, heartbreak and dread.

-Well, guess I'm not alone.-

"You CANNOT DIE ON ME!" General Hux dropped on his knees pulling the Knight into his arms, for once not caring about the blood stains that would touch his precious uniform. "Please." He whispered, "I love you, You stupid annoying, idiotic fool. You cannot leave yet." He growled low into Kylo's ear.

Kylo Ren coughed and focused on Hux's face, "You love me?" He had the stupidest grin on his face.

"You have lost a considerable amount of blood, you are addled in the mind."

Kylo Ren closed his eyes and listened to Hux's heartbeat as he allowed the General to carry him onto the transport ship, his head buried into the general's neck. "I love you Hux." He held on to his Greatcoat as pain ran through his body.

Hux smiled softly as he laid Kylo down and called a medic droid over, he ran his hand through Kylo's hair, brushing it out of his eyes. "Idiot."

The man who began life as Ben Solo leaned into the touch and groaned in pain again, "Your idiot."

"I would not have it any other way." General Hux set his greatcoat aside, removed his uniform top and helped peel and remove the blood soaked clothes off Kylo Ren, to clean the blood off him and bandage him up to a manageable condition.

Once aboard the Finalizer, and on their way away from the imploding StarKiller Base, Kylo Ren lay in the Med Bay asleep, covered in bandages.

One hand being held by General Hux who was asleep in a chair beside him, refusing to leave the other's side.

And that is all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing.
> 
> -will be updated with Beta'd version when my Beta Reader finishes.-
> 
> This is my first kylux / star wars fanfic.


End file.
